Parental Anxiety

I've been terrible this week. I've had trouble waking up to exercise let alone find anytime to write here. Of course, I'm sure part of that is my inability to figure out exactly what I Want to say here. The little man is currently asleep in his bed. A first for us. Will it last? I have no idea. And will it go over well tonight when he actually has to fall asleep in there? I don't know. I know I will miss him though. 

It has been two years of having him in bed with us. I know he is safe then. I'm nervous. It is stupid and I know he'll be fine but there is part of me that is now convinced someone will sneak in and steal him away because I am not right there with him. I'm definitely over protective. I was exceptionally anxious when he went off to school and this is just another step that I will deal with. But it is so hard. I'm ready for him to stay my baby forever. 

I wil absolutely not be able to handle it when he is a teenager. I'm already terrified of him going to school and being bullied. 

I never realized how much anxiety I suffered from. Parenthood is a killer. 

Rude

Ok...I try not to dislike people. I really do.

Don't get me wrong...I gossip and I trash talk but as a general rule I try to give people the benefit of the doubt - at least humanity as a whole. But today was definitely one of those days that convinces me to just not like anyone...ever.

My little bro is cvisiting from back home so we decide to head to Santa Monica. We have a lovely walk around and a great lunch and then it was time to head back to the car.As soon as we get to the car, an SUV pulls up behind us and puts her turning signal on to take our spot (we were in a garage).She sees Max, the stroller...the whole deal. We start to load the little guy into his car seat and he doesn't want to get in. So he fights us and we hae to discuss and struggle and which point the chick in the car says..umm..are you leaving. Knowing full well we are leaving. So I shot her a look and said we need to put the baby in the seat and she responds with.."I was just asking". I'm already unimpress with her. So we get in the car. Now, the Elantra has this weird little issue that sometimes the wheel locks. I'm not sure what causes it..but it happens. Of course, at this VERY moment, the car seizes up. It is reasonable easy to fix but it takes a minute. Now, at the same time, cars are now lining up behind this chick in the SUV because she is essentially blocking the whole garage. The start honking....so the chick starts honkingat us. I was SO IRRITATED.

I mean...there were a zillion spots but she wouldn't move and starts shaking her head in annoyance at us. I can't believe it. Are people really that crappy and inconsiderate. And is it better to be rude than to just take an extra minute to find a spot?

Anyhow, in a funny turn of events, we ended up passing them like three times and they got a series of dirty looks from us untilthe last time when we all smiled and waved goodbye.

I was so put off though. What satisfaction do you get out of being rude to people?

3 minutes

I have 3 minutes to write a quick blog.....and then I need to hit the showers. I barel managed to drg my a** out of bed and then the elliptical was even worse. I just didn't have it in me especially when sitting on the couch and zoning out would be so much easier. ButI promised myself I would make an effort to get some exercise.

I committed to two things - writing on the blog - which I think I've done pretty well at - and making an effort to take care of myself. I'm still not sure what needs the most help but I know if I don't start making some kind of effort I am going to drown in a put of not linking myself and that isn't good for anyone. Getting up in the am and exercise makes me feel like I've done something that day - even if I do nothing else - so when that alarm goes off, I see it as step one. If I can manage at least a step one every day...then I feel like I'm on a good path. I just have no idea what it is the path to.

Uh oh...I think I hear little man talking!

How much is too much?

I have all these thoughts swirling around in my head of late. And more often than not, I think the topics that cause the mind tornadoes are likely things that I would generally be blogging about. But...I have also discovered that I have started thinking significantly more about what I put in this blog and how much self-exposure is too much.

I am, to be honest, not afraid to expose my soul and my deepest darkest secrets here on the blog for anyone who wants to read it. But I have met people who are completely taken aback by that level of honesty and vulnerability and I wonder if I should then worry about what I put on here. Now, let me be clear, I'm not saying that people are concerned about what I may be writing about them...more about their comfort level around someone who is so willing to put it all out there. Of course most of that relates more to when I was single and dating which was really the last time I regularly blogged but I wonder how it applies to friends who are reading this.

Can I safely talk about all the ridiculousness that goes on in my head and hope that people are clear that it is only about what goes on in MY head. That it is not related to any one in particular? Can I safely expose my weaknesses and fears and anxieties and hope that people don't judge me for that (I'll admit it...I'm a little crazy - although not crazier than anyone else out there but definitely not afraid to show it)? And am I worrying about this for the wrong reasons? Should I care what people think about what I write here? If they are reading it then they are making themselves just as open to what I have to say as I am saying it?

I don't know. I think about it a lot and I think that sometimes contributes to what I hold back when I write here.

How much me is too much?

Bloring

I feel blah and uninspired this morning. Which is sad. I know there is a lot to say somewhere in my head but there is something inside me which holds me back. I'm very careful here and I tiptoe around the issues that really need to come out. I don't know if or when I will be able to let those things out or if I need to do it in the most anonymous ways where I can verbally vomit everything without offending anyone.

In the meantime...I totally thought it was Wednesday today. Why/how I thought that...I have no idea! But sad! SO SAD! 7:02am. I guess it is time for me to get moving. I was on the elliptical for 40 minutes but who knows what value that has. I guess it is better than doing nothing in the am. At least it gets me sweating and gets my heart beating.  I'm thinking of trying the Kinect Your Shape tomorrow...just to give it a go. My theory is 2 days elliptical one day off (and sleeping in) but I'm thinking of trying 2 days elliptical, one day something else (Your Shape, bosu workout if I can dig it out of the garage and find a workout DVD, pilates if I can find that DVD) and then weekends off.

I'm jealous of people who are getting up and doing boot camp. I don't think i can do it and it is in large part my insecurity. I don't like the idea of excercising in front of people. I feel like I am uncoordinated and look stupid. I know I know, I shouldn't worry about how I look when I'm exercising..but I do. It is one insecurity I can't shake which is why I am always looking for ways to work out at home. So I can get to a point where I feel comfortable with myself. I'm not there even a little bit. To be honest, I don't know what will ever get me there. I think that is in large part why I get up early and get on that elliptical despite feeling like it won't help or make me healthier or thinner - it is a step. It means I am doing something. Part of it is just starting towards something and hopefully i will just keep moving in a forward direction and doing more things that make me feel good about myself - or at least figure out what those things are.

Ok..enough babbling. I need to get going. Hit the showers. Woohoo!

Horatio

I have two minutes because I'm running late post early morning workout (uh-huh - 40 minutes on the elliptical!) - but this is all I have to say - I LOVE CSI Miami and I love Horatio Caine.

I know he is like Marmite/Vegemite - people are love him or hate him and I think he is a great tragic character. DOn't get me wrong, I am well aware of the cheesy lines the character tosses out every episode - but I love them. I think that it suits his character.

Recently the shows have delved less into his personal life and just focused more on showing his soft protective side but the initial seasons that dove into his story with his brother, nephew and sister-in-law solidified my deep adoration for the character.

Ok...now..off toe shower and get the family up to head to work/school. Where did the weekend go?

Lazy Sunday

I so had planned to be ambitious and do a million things this weekend...buuuuut...now I'm too lazy. I am perfectly happy to laze around, watch TV, play a little Cityville, read a book...basically do nothing that requires any level of exertion or wearing anything but sweatpants.

I cannot tell a lie - I have discovered a deep...DEEP love for sweatpants and I now don't both putting anything on that has a zipper or a button on weekends. I love it. It is my favorite indulgence. Now all I need is to be able to do that at work and I am set.

I'm watching Young Guns. I loved this movie when it came out and it still stands up. I love the cast and the story is timeless.

When I was younger i went on a trip with my mom and brother to New Mexico and one of our stops was in a small town called Cimarron. We stayed in a haunted hotel that terrified my brother and I and we were fully convinced of the power of the beyond that night. But...one of the super cool things about the place is that it was a stop along the infamous Sante Fe trail and the hotel kept the original saloon intact so when you wanted in there you could see the bullet holes in the ceiling from ye olden days. Additionally they had all the original hotel guests books and behind glass they had the book that features the infamous signature of WIlliam Bonney - aka Billy the Kid. I think it is the closest I will ever come to a real criminal.

I ramble on this blog. I still don't feel like I've found my voice or am clear on what I want to say. I feel like I need to keep talking to figure out where i want to get to. I just don't know what that is yet...or how deep I want to go...or, I guess, what I want to find. Maybe that is part of the process.

Hot and Angry

It is freezing in LA but I am sitting on my couch sweating. Thank you mr.Elliptical machine. 30 minutes on the highest difficulty...I sometimes wonder if I should up it to 45 minutes or if that will kill me. Maybe I should try it and see if I can last ?

Recently at work we had a conversation of the lack of strong female action stars in films today. I look at the options teenage girls have in films today - Bella Swan (from Twilight) being an epic example of the worst role model in the history of time - not the strongest people to look up to. When I grew up we had the occasional strong woman (and as we figured out at work they all seem to be the brain children of James Cameron)  but there definitely aren't enough of them.

Why is that? Why is it that there can't be strong female lead characters? What is pop culture afraid of? I would love to see some really cool leads who can stand on their own, can still be emotional and vulnerable but it doesn't weaken them (unlike Carrie-Anne Moss in Matrix who fell apart once she fell in love with Neo - LAME!)

On that note - I was reading how the Real Housewives from New York's Jill Zarin has announced her line of "body shapers" called Sqweez (sp?) aimed at young girls and older women. YOUNG GIRLS?? Why do they need body shapers and how is no one else offended by that? Girls today already have enough issues with body image thanks to our cultures obsession with the "ideal body type" and now we are going to add this to the plate? Tell them they need to wear underwear that lift's their a** and sucks in their gut? I'm totally sickened

Sometime I just can't get over how irresponsible we as a society are. That people don't think about the impact what we do has on other generations.

I feel like I need to find a way to make a positive impact on people...or someone does ....just to balance all the negative coming at kids today.

I'm writing this from my iPhone so it will likely be short and sweet. I managed to get up nice and early to hit the elliptical. In theory I am patting myself on the back but in practice I am sitting on the couch contemplating putting my head down for just 5 minutes. One of the reasons I like to get up so early to "work-out" is so I can have a little quiet time - watch something that wouldn't run on Nickelodeon. It is lovely. I do have pangs of guilt. I should clean up the living room...empty the dishwasher...start getting lunch ready..but I don't. After that 30 minutes of elliptical, it is all I can do to make my way to the couch. But that few minutes of relaxing is heaven!

Crap. 653am. Time to get moving.

Welcome back to work everyone!

Addiction?

OK...here's the truth. I've never said this out loud but I think it is time for a deep dark confession.

*deep breath*

My name is Tali and I am addicted to games. Not the Call of Dutys or the Halos - it is far worse. I am addicted to any and every game Zynga, Ngmoco, even Playfirst put out. I am a total sucker for anything that involves building things up, adding neighbors, farming - whatever. I can't help myself and I can't resist. I find myself obsessively checking on my town, village, whatever and sometimes even completely missing something adorable Max is doing because I'm obsessed with my vegetable of the moment.

I've currently been sucked into CityVille. Zynga games are genius because they offer just the right amount of progression without having to spend any money if you don't want to and still have just the right amount of "dangling carrot" to tempt you into buying whatever points you need to go further. I tried Ravenwood before this and I just felt like I was never progressing and I got bored.I was all over Farmville also and with Cityville - I just cant stop.

I also can't resist these types of games on the iPhone - I downloaded Smurf Village "just to check it out" and couldn't stop baking pies and creating magic potions for Papa Smurf and I was definitely hooked on Godfinger and We Rule. I love them - for a little while at least. And they come with me wherever I go so I can even sneak in some evolving as I eat lunch or am stopped at a red light. It is bad. So bad.

But - my love affair generally doesn't last too long. Eventually I upgrade my town, farm, village, planet - whatever - to such a point that i get bored of the game and taking care of it starts to feel like work. And that is when I stop responding to gift requests, stop logging on obsessively to see how my crops are and don't bother replanting when everything wilts and my people are on the verge of death. Fortunately by the time I reach that point there is ALWAYS something new on the horizon.

I don't know what the appeal of these games are. I don't know if it is because they are reasonably simple to play and they offer a really accessible sense of achievement. I don't know if it is an easy way to feel successful and bask in the glow of the games positive encouragement and support. I don't know if it is the fun of interacting with your "neighbors" and feeling like you are playing together without ever needing to talk. I don't have that answer. I just know that once I start playing and the game has the right elements to keep me coming back for more - I become absolutely obsessed. Not always for long but when the game has my attention - it has it completely.

Is there therapy for this?

Epic FAIL and a resolution

Ok...so the truth is - I've been a bad blogger. I actually love doing it but the days don't seems to have enough hours in the day for me to write anything interesting. But - I am making a commitment to be a better and more interesting blogger which is no easy task. I am doing my very best at keeping this blog about me personally and my family but at the same time I struggle to avoid it being an entire blog filled with how adorable and smart my child is (even though it is, of course, true and my child is ridiculously cute and a total genius). He is such a big part of my life and makes me so happy - he is the easiest thing to write about.  But when I take a step back and try to come up with something interesting to talk about that isn't related to how adorable it is when he runs around singing about his "too-shie" - I draw a blank. I don't know if that is a product of motherhood or of being so focused on Max and then work and not having time to think about anything else - but I do worry sometimes that somewhere in the mix - I have gotten lost.

To start off not being totally self-blaming, I will admit that a good part of that is a time and energy issue. I try to get up at 6amish so I can jump on my elliptical and get a good 30 minutes in. By the time I am done with that, it is usually time to get ready for work...wake Max up...get him dressed and ready to go..make his lunch...feed him...and get him out the door. Then I head straight to work where I am until I leave to pick Max up, bring him home, feed him dinner, give him a bath and get him in bed at a reasonable hour (it takes a good hour before he is asleep so getitng him up there early is the key to my sanity). If i have a spare few minutes in there I try to use it to play with Max and have some totally-unstrucured -just-us-hanging-out-fun.

Let me be honest - Max at 2 still sleeps in bed with us and by the time he is asleep -  I am asleep. Meaning - there is not one moment in there where I can just be an entertaining thinker/blogger.

In addition to blogging, I really miss reading and figuring out a solution for that is really high on my list. I need a little bit of getting lost in a story. It is definitely one of my favorite ways to relax and one of the hardest things for me to do. Anyone want to send me a Nook Color so I can read in bed?

The lesson for me here is that I guess it is time for me to make a commitment to me. Make an effort to spend some more time at night after Max is asleep doing the things I want to do instead of giving in to the 9pm pass-out (which is incredibly easy to do) and here are my steps to making that happen -
1. I am tweeting about this blog today because it will make me feel like someone will be reading the blog then which will force me to write for that one person who is reading this.
2. I am going to commit to actually getting out of bed a 6am for that workout instead ohitting the snooze a couple of times which will hopefully leave me a few minutes to write a post work out blog when I'm feeling all good about actually getting out of bed and getting that workout in.
3. I am going to do my best to try to get in 30 minutes of reading EVERY night so I will have to keep that little reading lamp by my bed along with my book.

Ok...I've gotten it out of my system and I've said it. So now it is time to follow through and since Max is sleeping...maybe even do some reading??!