It was a long week last week. Little Moo had a rough intro to daycare and then I went away and felt guilty the whole time. Don't get me wrong...I can appreciate having that time on my own but it goes by so fast and I was so busy...I didn't get enough time to stop feeling guilty and enjoy. Of course..mabe that is because Moo was really struggling and I couldn't even talk to him on the phone without hearing tears. It breaks my heart.
That being said..I was able to see a few of my friends quickly and that was super nice. Being in Canada always reminds me of how much I love it there. It is such a great place. Don't get me wrong...I don't regret coming out to CA because i needed to have that adventure but I do think a lot about one day heading back home. We'll see. It is a nice dream right now. Something to strive for down the road.
Why are the people on Big Brother such big losers? I just had to ask :)
What else can I babble about? I can't stand how fat I look since having Max. Every picture I see is HIDEOUS! Who is that girl in the mirror? SHe is HUGE!
I had a million things I wanted to write about and I can't think of anything now. I'm too tired. WORN OUT!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Heartbreak Hotel
Alright...so today was HARD. I dropped the Moo off and stayed a bit. He was totally taken with the other kids and all the toys. He was so happy. Until I said goodbye. Waterworks from him. I looked back and he was standing in the window sobbing. Worst moment ever. By the time i got to the gate I was sobbing. The director of the school handed me kleenex and told me it was all normal. Does that make it any better? Nope. Still awful.
I called later in the am and they were outside plaing. The Moo was having trouble with the transitions between activities but other than that...he was fine. Until naptime. When little mr.man threw and epic fit that caused the call. They asked if I could come pick him up early. We talked a bit and they decided to try a little longer. I didn't go pick him up until the end of the day. He survived...barely. They couldn't calm him down and he cried a lot. That was so hard to hear.
He didn't nap and was an exhausted mess by the time I picked him up. As soon as he saw me, he started to cry. It was so nice to give him a big hug.
Moo is definitely a cuddler. He's always fallen asleep curled up with us. The don't do that at daycare..it would be tough to give each kid that kind of attention and I know that must be hard for him. I felt a little judged when we said we would let him watch his fave show if he was having trouble settling down (we are not afraid of TV in our house....sometimes it is the only few minutes we get to do anything). And I felt a little like one of the teachers was demanding a solution which scared me after day one. The other teacher was definitely more patient and reassured me that Max did great considering it was his first day and then they both said there was nothing to worry about. It just takes time.
Tomorrow I head out of town for a couple of nights leaving my two boys to fend for themsevles through the daycare experience. I'm terrified. I'm nervous about not being there in case Moo needs me....afraid to not be there if there is a problem...afraid that me not being around is going to completely scar him....I'm so completely overwhelmed with all this. It is so hard.
It is definitely the most difficult step I've taken so far. It was hard to go back to work but I knew I was leaving him with someone who loved him and loved being with him. Someone who had all the patience in the world for Moo. It is so much harder leaving him with strangers...no matter how nice they are. They aren't his mommy and daddy. It is so hard to who think of him feeling scared and not having us there.
I hope this gets easier. I can't handle having my heartbroken like this everyday.
I called later in the am and they were outside plaing. The Moo was having trouble with the transitions between activities but other than that...he was fine. Until naptime. When little mr.man threw and epic fit that caused the call. They asked if I could come pick him up early. We talked a bit and they decided to try a little longer. I didn't go pick him up until the end of the day. He survived...barely. They couldn't calm him down and he cried a lot. That was so hard to hear.
He didn't nap and was an exhausted mess by the time I picked him up. As soon as he saw me, he started to cry. It was so nice to give him a big hug.
Moo is definitely a cuddler. He's always fallen asleep curled up with us. The don't do that at daycare..it would be tough to give each kid that kind of attention and I know that must be hard for him. I felt a little judged when we said we would let him watch his fave show if he was having trouble settling down (we are not afraid of TV in our house....sometimes it is the only few minutes we get to do anything). And I felt a little like one of the teachers was demanding a solution which scared me after day one. The other teacher was definitely more patient and reassured me that Max did great considering it was his first day and then they both said there was nothing to worry about. It just takes time.
Tomorrow I head out of town for a couple of nights leaving my two boys to fend for themsevles through the daycare experience. I'm terrified. I'm nervous about not being there in case Moo needs me....afraid to not be there if there is a problem...afraid that me not being around is going to completely scar him....I'm so completely overwhelmed with all this. It is so hard.
It is definitely the most difficult step I've taken so far. It was hard to go back to work but I knew I was leaving him with someone who loved him and loved being with him. Someone who had all the patience in the world for Moo. It is so much harder leaving him with strangers...no matter how nice they are. They aren't his mommy and daddy. It is so hard to who think of him feeling scared and not having us there.
I hope this gets easier. I can't handle having my heartbroken like this everyday.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Anxiety
I'm not going to lie....my stress levels are through the roof with this daycare thing tomorrow. I'm sure part of it is just heightened emotions after the past couple of weeks. I feel like I haven't had a chance to sit and really process everything and it just comes out in weird places (i.e. sobbing through De-Lovely this morning). I don't know how early to go tomorrow morning....how much time i should be there with Max before I go to work - do I do it fast and get out..so I go earl and stay for awhile - I don't know what the answer is. I just feel so stressed about it.
I keep telling myself that he will be alright...he'll have fun.
It is worse that I am travelling on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday...I feel guilty being away at this point - although I could really use that time away.. Not that I need time away from the Moo or my husband..I mean more I can use the few hours I will have alone in the hotel room. Just a little sit and breathe and think about nothing time (ok...and maybe see some of my favorite Torontonians). But...as much as I need that..I worry about the little man at this point.
I keep trying to talk to him about school. And about learning and being with other kids and having fun. But...I'm still a wreck.
Being a mom is HARD!
And he is drawing on a computer right now. I hate crayons.
I keep telling myself that he will be alright...he'll have fun.
It is worse that I am travelling on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday...I feel guilty being away at this point - although I could really use that time away.. Not that I need time away from the Moo or my husband..I mean more I can use the few hours I will have alone in the hotel room. Just a little sit and breathe and think about nothing time (ok...and maybe see some of my favorite Torontonians). But...as much as I need that..I worry about the little man at this point.
I keep trying to talk to him about school. And about learning and being with other kids and having fun. But...I'm still a wreck.
Being a mom is HARD!
And he is drawing on a computer right now. I hate crayons.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Daycare
The little Moo starts daycare on Monday. He has no idea what is going on. I, on the otherhand, am a COMPLETE mess about it. I'm sure he will be traumatized for the rest of his life and need years of therapy because I deserted him during the day.
We looked at about 6 different daycares and we went with the one that we thought was the best. We both felt that right away. It was the only one with an educational philosophy that focus' on learning (Piaget's to be specific). It has a great child to adult ratio (4 kids for every adult). The day we visited the kids were running around like maniacs and Moo was completely entranced by the whole situation. There was sand and slides and inside there was playdoh and more kids exploring. It all seems good. But....I'm still so nervous. What if he hates it? What if he cries all day? What if he doesn't eat? What if he doesn't sleep? What if it is all a show and they are actually horrible to the kids? What if there is an earthquake when he's at daycare and all the buildings collapse and I can't get to him? What if I wasn't so neurotic?
The original idea was to transition him in (which wasn't ideal because technically the school year for this place starts August 16th so he would have been meeting teachers and other kids who may not have actually been in his class) this past week. But I guess when it comes to kids...and life in general...nothing ever goes that smoothly. We were with my family the whole week so now the poor little man is going to have to have a ful day there his first day. Mabe that is the best way to do it. I mean...kids adjust, right? I need to focus on it being 8 hours of playing and fun. It will be tough to start but he will learn to love it. Or I will be responsible for the years of therapy he will need. Could go either way.
People keep telling me I will have a harder time with it than he will. I hope that's true. It would make me feel so much better to know I'm just an insane overprotective mommy.
Did the above sound callous? About my schedule being messed up because of my grandmother? I didn't mean it to sound so harsh.
I think the past few months have felt overwhelming. We packed up life...moved to LA...lived in temp housing..moved into a new place.....Nick got a job...my grandmother got sick....looked for daycare...now he is starting daycare....just feels like we are in constant motion. I can't wait for things to settle into a comfortable routine where things are a little more settled. I guess that takes time...for places to feel like home. Or maybe they never do. I don't know. Places seem to feel like home only in hindsight. Like Pacifica...never felt like home..until we left. And then every place was just not as good as home in Pacifica.
Now I'm babbling.
Moo is trying to type here with his feet. I think he wants my attention.
We looked at about 6 different daycares and we went with the one that we thought was the best. We both felt that right away. It was the only one with an educational philosophy that focus' on learning (Piaget's to be specific). It has a great child to adult ratio (4 kids for every adult). The day we visited the kids were running around like maniacs and Moo was completely entranced by the whole situation. There was sand and slides and inside there was playdoh and more kids exploring. It all seems good. But....I'm still so nervous. What if he hates it? What if he cries all day? What if he doesn't eat? What if he doesn't sleep? What if it is all a show and they are actually horrible to the kids? What if there is an earthquake when he's at daycare and all the buildings collapse and I can't get to him? What if I wasn't so neurotic?
The original idea was to transition him in (which wasn't ideal because technically the school year for this place starts August 16th so he would have been meeting teachers and other kids who may not have actually been in his class) this past week. But I guess when it comes to kids...and life in general...nothing ever goes that smoothly. We were with my family the whole week so now the poor little man is going to have to have a ful day there his first day. Mabe that is the best way to do it. I mean...kids adjust, right? I need to focus on it being 8 hours of playing and fun. It will be tough to start but he will learn to love it. Or I will be responsible for the years of therapy he will need. Could go either way.
People keep telling me I will have a harder time with it than he will. I hope that's true. It would make me feel so much better to know I'm just an insane overprotective mommy.
Did the above sound callous? About my schedule being messed up because of my grandmother? I didn't mean it to sound so harsh.
I think the past few months have felt overwhelming. We packed up life...moved to LA...lived in temp housing..moved into a new place.....Nick got a job...my grandmother got sick....looked for daycare...now he is starting daycare....just feels like we are in constant motion. I can't wait for things to settle into a comfortable routine where things are a little more settled. I guess that takes time...for places to feel like home. Or maybe they never do. I don't know. Places seem to feel like home only in hindsight. Like Pacifica...never felt like home..until we left. And then every place was just not as good as home in Pacifica.
Now I'm babbling.
Moo is trying to type here with his feet. I think he wants my attention.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Grandma
I love blogging. I've been doing it for ages. Leaving a trail of blogs that in essence are my story. Life has changed for me so much over the past little while and I've let my blogging fall to the wayside....well, it seemed like the right time to return to what I'm so comfortable with. People have asked me why blogging and not a diary. I can't answer that. Maybe I'm an exhibitionist. I think the truth is it is nice to share with other people. Hear other people's thoughts. Know people care.
I think inevitably there are somethings I need to edit on this. I want it to be me...not about other people. And I will never talk about work here. I will talk about my life and my thoughts. My toddler son who wears me out constantly. My family who's support I so appreciate. Only the good things of course...I'll save the real gossip for my anonymous blog.
I think the thing that is at the forefront of my mind right now is my gandmother. She passed away this week. She was 84 years old. I just got back from a week with my family in New Jersey where we said goodbye to her. It was bittersweet. It was the first time we had all been together in a very long time. The first time my extended family got to meet my husband and my little Moo (his nickname :)). But we were saying goodbye to someone we all loved dearly. We laughed hysterically at stories about her and my mother and aunt and uncle. We cried as we laughed.
Leaving her house...well...it felt heavy. Knowing that it was the last time I would ever be at the house that so reminded me of a being a kid. Pictures everywhere. Eac corner, scratch, mark, toy...everything has a story. Even the smell. The smell of that house was Grandma and Grandpa.
It was hard to be sad when I was with my family because I feel compelled to stay strong for them. I don't know why. I find it hard to cry then. And focusing on the baby helps. But it hit me like a ton of bricks on the plane. That I would never go back there. That my grandmother was the glue that held us together. That she was the matriarch of the family who brought us altogether. That likely I wouldn't see most of my extended family members again. I was completely overwhelmed by the emptiness of it all.
I am more grateful than I can put into words that my grandmother got a chance to meet my son and those are some of my favorite pictures. The couldn't stop beaming at eachother. I'm so glad we have videos of that. I am so happy that m son will always know that generations of the women in my family were completely charmed by him.
Each paragraph I write here reminds me of twenty other things I want to say. It is hard to get it all out. We discovered boxes and boxes and boxes and boxes of pictures. My grandmother through every stage of her life. She was beautiful. Her and my grandfather were a great looking couple. Straight out of a movie. She had zillions of pictures of us. She did not miss an opportunity to document our ackward years.
*sigh*
I don't want to say that I wish I had spent more time with her or called her more often. I don't want to say that because it doesn't matter. I can't change what happened. But all those things are true. I wish I had done both. But what I try to focus on is the time I had with her and how very much I loved her and how very much I know she loved all of us. She instilled in us her strength, perseverence, determination, her capacity to love and take care of us whenever we needed her and even when we didn't. She was a role model. She wasn't perfect. Thank goodness for that. She was Grandma. I was lucky to have her.
I think inevitably there are somethings I need to edit on this. I want it to be me...not about other people. And I will never talk about work here. I will talk about my life and my thoughts. My toddler son who wears me out constantly. My family who's support I so appreciate. Only the good things of course...I'll save the real gossip for my anonymous blog.
I think the thing that is at the forefront of my mind right now is my gandmother. She passed away this week. She was 84 years old. I just got back from a week with my family in New Jersey where we said goodbye to her. It was bittersweet. It was the first time we had all been together in a very long time. The first time my extended family got to meet my husband and my little Moo (his nickname :)). But we were saying goodbye to someone we all loved dearly. We laughed hysterically at stories about her and my mother and aunt and uncle. We cried as we laughed.
Leaving her house...well...it felt heavy. Knowing that it was the last time I would ever be at the house that so reminded me of a being a kid. Pictures everywhere. Eac corner, scratch, mark, toy...everything has a story. Even the smell. The smell of that house was Grandma and Grandpa.
It was hard to be sad when I was with my family because I feel compelled to stay strong for them. I don't know why. I find it hard to cry then. And focusing on the baby helps. But it hit me like a ton of bricks on the plane. That I would never go back there. That my grandmother was the glue that held us together. That she was the matriarch of the family who brought us altogether. That likely I wouldn't see most of my extended family members again. I was completely overwhelmed by the emptiness of it all.
I am more grateful than I can put into words that my grandmother got a chance to meet my son and those are some of my favorite pictures. The couldn't stop beaming at eachother. I'm so glad we have videos of that. I am so happy that m son will always know that generations of the women in my family were completely charmed by him.
Each paragraph I write here reminds me of twenty other things I want to say. It is hard to get it all out. We discovered boxes and boxes and boxes and boxes of pictures. My grandmother through every stage of her life. She was beautiful. Her and my grandfather were a great looking couple. Straight out of a movie. She had zillions of pictures of us. She did not miss an opportunity to document our ackward years.
*sigh*
I don't want to say that I wish I had spent more time with her or called her more often. I don't want to say that because it doesn't matter. I can't change what happened. But all those things are true. I wish I had done both. But what I try to focus on is the time I had with her and how very much I loved her and how very much I know she loved all of us. She instilled in us her strength, perseverence, determination, her capacity to love and take care of us whenever we needed her and even when we didn't. She was a role model. She wasn't perfect. Thank goodness for that. She was Grandma. I was lucky to have her.
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