Parental Anxiety

I've been terrible this week. I've had trouble waking up to exercise let alone find anytime to write here. Of course, I'm sure part of that is my inability to figure out exactly what I Want to say here. The little man is currently asleep in his bed. A first for us. Will it last? I have no idea. And will it go over well tonight when he actually has to fall asleep in there? I don't know. I know I will miss him though. 

It has been two years of having him in bed with us. I know he is safe then. I'm nervous. It is stupid and I know he'll be fine but there is part of me that is now convinced someone will sneak in and steal him away because I am not right there with him. I'm definitely over protective. I was exceptionally anxious when he went off to school and this is just another step that I will deal with. But it is so hard. I'm ready for him to stay my baby forever. 

I wil absolutely not be able to handle it when he is a teenager. I'm already terrified of him going to school and being bullied. 

I never realized how much anxiety I suffered from. Parenthood is a killer. 

Rude

Ok...I try not to dislike people. I really do.

Don't get me wrong...I gossip and I trash talk but as a general rule I try to give people the benefit of the doubt - at least humanity as a whole. But today was definitely one of those days that convinces me to just not like anyone...ever.

My little bro is cvisiting from back home so we decide to head to Santa Monica. We have a lovely walk around and a great lunch and then it was time to head back to the car.As soon as we get to the car, an SUV pulls up behind us and puts her turning signal on to take our spot (we were in a garage).She sees Max, the stroller...the whole deal. We start to load the little guy into his car seat and he doesn't want to get in. So he fights us and we hae to discuss and struggle and which point the chick in the car says..umm..are you leaving. Knowing full well we are leaving. So I shot her a look and said we need to put the baby in the seat and she responds with.."I was just asking". I'm already unimpress with her. So we get in the car. Now, the Elantra has this weird little issue that sometimes the wheel locks. I'm not sure what causes it..but it happens. Of course, at this VERY moment, the car seizes up. It is reasonable easy to fix but it takes a minute. Now, at the same time, cars are now lining up behind this chick in the SUV because she is essentially blocking the whole garage. The start honking....so the chick starts honkingat us. I was SO IRRITATED.

I mean...there were a zillion spots but she wouldn't move and starts shaking her head in annoyance at us. I can't believe it. Are people really that crappy and inconsiderate. And is it better to be rude than to just take an extra minute to find a spot?

Anyhow, in a funny turn of events, we ended up passing them like three times and they got a series of dirty looks from us untilthe last time when we all smiled and waved goodbye.

I was so put off though. What satisfaction do you get out of being rude to people?

3 minutes

I have 3 minutes to write a quick blog.....and then I need to hit the showers. I barel managed to drg my a** out of bed and then the elliptical was even worse. I just didn't have it in me especially when sitting on the couch and zoning out would be so much easier. ButI promised myself I would make an effort to get some exercise.

I committed to two things - writing on the blog - which I think I've done pretty well at - and making an effort to take care of myself. I'm still not sure what needs the most help but I know if I don't start making some kind of effort I am going to drown in a put of not linking myself and that isn't good for anyone. Getting up in the am and exercise makes me feel like I've done something that day - even if I do nothing else - so when that alarm goes off, I see it as step one. If I can manage at least a step one every day...then I feel like I'm on a good path. I just have no idea what it is the path to.

Uh oh...I think I hear little man talking!

How much is too much?

I have all these thoughts swirling around in my head of late. And more often than not, I think the topics that cause the mind tornadoes are likely things that I would generally be blogging about. But...I have also discovered that I have started thinking significantly more about what I put in this blog and how much self-exposure is too much.

I am, to be honest, not afraid to expose my soul and my deepest darkest secrets here on the blog for anyone who wants to read it. But I have met people who are completely taken aback by that level of honesty and vulnerability and I wonder if I should then worry about what I put on here. Now, let me be clear, I'm not saying that people are concerned about what I may be writing about them...more about their comfort level around someone who is so willing to put it all out there. Of course most of that relates more to when I was single and dating which was really the last time I regularly blogged but I wonder how it applies to friends who are reading this.

Can I safely talk about all the ridiculousness that goes on in my head and hope that people are clear that it is only about what goes on in MY head. That it is not related to any one in particular? Can I safely expose my weaknesses and fears and anxieties and hope that people don't judge me for that (I'll admit it...I'm a little crazy - although not crazier than anyone else out there but definitely not afraid to show it)? And am I worrying about this for the wrong reasons? Should I care what people think about what I write here? If they are reading it then they are making themselves just as open to what I have to say as I am saying it?

I don't know. I think about it a lot and I think that sometimes contributes to what I hold back when I write here.

How much me is too much?

Bloring

I feel blah and uninspired this morning. Which is sad. I know there is a lot to say somewhere in my head but there is something inside me which holds me back. I'm very careful here and I tiptoe around the issues that really need to come out. I don't know if or when I will be able to let those things out or if I need to do it in the most anonymous ways where I can verbally vomit everything without offending anyone.

In the meantime...I totally thought it was Wednesday today. Why/how I thought that...I have no idea! But sad! SO SAD! 7:02am. I guess it is time for me to get moving. I was on the elliptical for 40 minutes but who knows what value that has. I guess it is better than doing nothing in the am. At least it gets me sweating and gets my heart beating.  I'm thinking of trying the Kinect Your Shape tomorrow...just to give it a go. My theory is 2 days elliptical one day off (and sleeping in) but I'm thinking of trying 2 days elliptical, one day something else (Your Shape, bosu workout if I can dig it out of the garage and find a workout DVD, pilates if I can find that DVD) and then weekends off.

I'm jealous of people who are getting up and doing boot camp. I don't think i can do it and it is in large part my insecurity. I don't like the idea of excercising in front of people. I feel like I am uncoordinated and look stupid. I know I know, I shouldn't worry about how I look when I'm exercising..but I do. It is one insecurity I can't shake which is why I am always looking for ways to work out at home. So I can get to a point where I feel comfortable with myself. I'm not there even a little bit. To be honest, I don't know what will ever get me there. I think that is in large part why I get up early and get on that elliptical despite feeling like it won't help or make me healthier or thinner - it is a step. It means I am doing something. Part of it is just starting towards something and hopefully i will just keep moving in a forward direction and doing more things that make me feel good about myself - or at least figure out what those things are.

Ok..enough babbling. I need to get going. Hit the showers. Woohoo!

Horatio

I have two minutes because I'm running late post early morning workout (uh-huh - 40 minutes on the elliptical!) - but this is all I have to say - I LOVE CSI Miami and I love Horatio Caine.

I know he is like Marmite/Vegemite - people are love him or hate him and I think he is a great tragic character. DOn't get me wrong, I am well aware of the cheesy lines the character tosses out every episode - but I love them. I think that it suits his character.

Recently the shows have delved less into his personal life and just focused more on showing his soft protective side but the initial seasons that dove into his story with his brother, nephew and sister-in-law solidified my deep adoration for the character.

Ok...now..off toe shower and get the family up to head to work/school. Where did the weekend go?

Lazy Sunday

I so had planned to be ambitious and do a million things this weekend...buuuuut...now I'm too lazy. I am perfectly happy to laze around, watch TV, play a little Cityville, read a book...basically do nothing that requires any level of exertion or wearing anything but sweatpants.

I cannot tell a lie - I have discovered a deep...DEEP love for sweatpants and I now don't both putting anything on that has a zipper or a button on weekends. I love it. It is my favorite indulgence. Now all I need is to be able to do that at work and I am set.

I'm watching Young Guns. I loved this movie when it came out and it still stands up. I love the cast and the story is timeless.

When I was younger i went on a trip with my mom and brother to New Mexico and one of our stops was in a small town called Cimarron. We stayed in a haunted hotel that terrified my brother and I and we were fully convinced of the power of the beyond that night. But...one of the super cool things about the place is that it was a stop along the infamous Sante Fe trail and the hotel kept the original saloon intact so when you wanted in there you could see the bullet holes in the ceiling from ye olden days. Additionally they had all the original hotel guests books and behind glass they had the book that features the infamous signature of WIlliam Bonney - aka Billy the Kid. I think it is the closest I will ever come to a real criminal.

I ramble on this blog. I still don't feel like I've found my voice or am clear on what I want to say. I feel like I need to keep talking to figure out where i want to get to. I just don't know what that is yet...or how deep I want to go...or, I guess, what I want to find. Maybe that is part of the process.